|
|
Post by shaunfields on Jul 8, 2007 20:43:44 GMT
i wanna hear some really funny jokes to tell my friends please post some ..!!
|
|
|
|
Post by tonyyeboah on Jul 8, 2007 21:00:35 GMT
Did you know that Diarrhea is hereditary?
Yes, it runs in the Jeans
|
|
|
|
Post by RydCook on Jul 8, 2007 22:56:13 GMT
man walks into a bar... ouch man walks into drumkit BUD-DUM-TISH  ^this guy's a joke ;D |
|
|
|
Post by Hyde on Jul 8, 2007 23:03:16 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by RydCook on Jul 8, 2007 23:11:37 GMT
^HA HA HA, look at his face. Fair enough though, i;d be shitting myself too! No excuse for the ugly mug i posted above.
Sorry tomo, kinda lampooned your thread for more tom cruise hatred. I apologise.
I'll try think of some more jokes...
Whats green and smells like pork.......
Kermit the frogs finger!!!
too rude?
|
|
|
|
Post by RydCook on Jul 8, 2007 23:35:19 GMT
what's the worst time to book a dentist appointment?........
.... 2.30
|
|
|
|
Post by Dave on Jul 9, 2007 0:51:00 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Chewbaxter on Jul 9, 2007 7:23:00 GMT
Oh hey - free advertising?I like it!  Also... here's one or two (or maybe a sh*tload) of jokes that are in my 'collection'...
A snake goes into a pub and the landlord tells him to leave - "I'm not serving you..." says the landlord, "you can't hold yer drink!"
Why do polar bears have fur coats? Because they would look silly in anoraks!
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff
What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding it's breath
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? "Get in the Batmobile Robin!"
I said to my wife "What do you want for your birthday?", she said "Surprise me" so I went... "Boo!"
Do you know about the invisible man who was married to the invisible woman? The kids were nothing to look at either!
What was the gangster's last words? "Who put that violin in my violin case!"
I'm sick of people talking behind my back... maybe it's time I gave up being a bus driver and got another job!
The other day I was trying to do this jigsaw with a picture of a tiger on the box but I was having no joy - all the pieces looked much the same, and I was getting nowhere! Then my wife came in and said: "you daft beggar - it's a box of Frosties you've got there!"
Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!
Why do hens lay eggs? Because if they just dropped 'em, they'd break!
Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father? They called him dad!
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals? Phillipe Phelloppe!
What is a dogs favourite school subject? Dog-Ruff-E
My brother's career's in ruins... but it's his own fault for being an archaeologist!
How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon? Just one if it's long enough!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? An animal that can milk itself!
There's this chap walking his dog in the graveyard. "Morning" says a passer by... "No," says the man with the dog, "I'm just taking Rover out for a stroll" (think about it... morning/mourning!)
This penguin goes into a pub... "Have you seen my brother?" he says - "I dunno," says the landlord... "what does he look like?"
So this chap's caught shoplifting in the supermarket, and the Security Guard says "And what do you think you're going to do with that?" - "Mashed potato, peas and gravy" replies the shoplifter.
What do Jack The Ripper and Kermit The Frog Have In Common? Their middle names!
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back to you when you throw it? A Stick!
What's E.T. short for? Because he only has little legs!
What do you call an octopus with no tentacles? Puss!
What can a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do on three legs? Shake hands!
A red and a blue ship collided - all the passengers were marooned!
Two of my friends were involved in a bomb scare and a colleague asked "Are they safe?" "No..." I replied, "bombs are dangerous!"
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents!
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions!"
New invention - the microwave bed! Get 8 hours sleep in just 3 minutes!
Stripes are slimming - it's true... when did you ever see an overweight zebra?
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
“Doc” I told him, “I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'”. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” I said: “Is it common?” “Well,” he said, “It's not unusual!”
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs from? Jason's Donner Van!
Two ducks in the park. One says to the other "Pension Book!" Get it? You will when you retire!
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours - They're both dogs!
The joke about the dog with tin legs - have you heard it? You will when it comes running down your street!
A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Two Cannibals eating a clown... one says "Does this taste funny to you?"
What's white and swings through the jungle on a vine? Tarzan the fridge!
What do you do if an elephant sits in the seat in front of you at the cinema? Miss most of the film!
Did you hear about the ventriloquist that was so bad his lips moved when he wasn't speaking, and when he listened his ears moved!
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth - it took him two hours to pass me the salt!
The customer asked the waiter: "Can you tell me... how exactly do you prepare your chickens?"
"Oh nothing special, sir" came the reply "we just tell them straight out that they’re going to die!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I would never buy pornography... I haven't got a pornograph to play it on!
Why was the scarecrow promoted? For being out standing in his field!
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A white horse goes into 'The White Horse' pub. "Our pub's named after you" says the Landlord. "What," says the horse "your pub's called 'Trevor'?"N. |
|
|
|
Post by jill on Jul 9, 2007 10:57:12 GMT
Bloke goes into the pub with his dog:
Landlord: That's a nice dog you've got there.
Bloke: Nice? Nice? This dog is the most amazing dog in the world.
Landlord: Yeah, sure.
Bloke: OK, I'll prove it to you.
Bloke points out of the window to the top of the building opposite and says; 'Fido, what's that?'
Fido: Roof
Landlord: Ha, ha, yeah very funny.
Bloke: No really, this dog's incredible. Listening. Fido, if you hit a golf ball off the fairway, where does it land?
Fido: Rough.
Landlord: Yeah right sure.
Bloke: No really, this dog is truly amazing. Tell you what, I'll ask him a more difficult question; 'Fido, who is the all time greatest American major league baseball player?'
Fido: 'Ruth'
Landlord: OK, I've had enough of you. Drink up and piss off.
Man drinks up and leaves with his dog. When they get outside, the dog looks up at the bloke and says: 'Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?'
Ha! Well, made me laugh.....
|
|
|
|
Post by RydCook on Jul 9, 2007 12:10:42 GMT
Patient - Doctor, ive broken my arm in three places
Doctor - Don't go to those places then!
|
|
|
|
Post by Hyde on Jul 9, 2007 12:15:50 GMT
what do clows eat?
cheeseburgers
what do elephants eat?
coins
|
|
|
|
Post by GADGE! on Jul 10, 2007 13:23:36 GMT
2 FISH ARE SWIMMING WHEN THEY SMACK INTO A CONCRETE WALL ONE SHOUTS "DAMM"
WHAT DO ELVES LEARN IN SCHOOL? THE ELEVABET.
HOW DO YOU MAKE A CAT GO WOOF? POOR PETROL ON IT THEN LIGHT IT. (COULD TURN INTO ANOTHER CAT HATING THREAD)
I SPLIT UP WITH MY LAST GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE SHE WAS REALLY HIPOCRITICAL SHE SAID "I LOVE SUPRISES" BUT WHEN SHE FOUND OUT I WAS SLEEPING WITH HER SISTER....
(JIMMY CARR)
A HOLE HAS APPEARED FROM THE MENS CHANGING ROOM TO THE LADIES CHANGING ROOM AT A SPORTS CLUB, POLICE ARE LOOKING INTO IT.
WHATS A MYTH? A FEMALE MOTH.
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU COME ACROSS A TIGER IN THE JUNGLE? WIPE IT OFF HIM APOLOGIZE AND RUN.
I HATE MY SUPERVISOR. BEHIND HER DESK IT SAYS " YOU DONT HAVE TO BE MAD TO WORK HERE BUT IT HELPS" , MIND YOU SHES WROTE IT IN HER OWN SHIT.
(ALAN CARR)
MY DAD USED TO SAY FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE...PROBABLY WHY HE GOT CHUCKED OUT OF THE FIRE BRIGADE.
TWO MUFFINS AREBAKING ONE TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS "WOW ITS HOT IN HERE" THE OTHER SHOUTS "OHH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
GADGE!
|
|
|
|
Post by bigboyjim on Jul 10, 2007 14:34:40 GMT
The Queen Mother was in heaven just after she passed away, and the first person she sees is Diana.
'Hello dear, they were so sorry to hear about your loss on earth,' The Queen Mother told her.
'And those same people will mourn you too,' Diana said.
'How long would I have to wait for a halo like yours above your head?' The Queen Mother asked.
'Are you taking the piss, dear? That's not a halo, its a steering wheel.'
|
|
|
|
Post by Kezz on Jul 10, 2007 16:11:23 GMT
My Brother is a Huge Sports Fan.
7 Ft 3
------------------------------------------------
85% of Liverpudlians Prefer sex in the shower,
The other 15% are yet to go to Prison.
______________________________
I was in a public Urinal, and an Afro-Carabian Ran in quickly, and started to piss.
"Ahh Just Made it"
I looked down
"Fuckin Hell, Can you make me one?"
______________________________
When David Beckham Scores, I drink 'Becks'.
When Paul Scholes scores I'l drink 'Scholl'.
When Tommy Millers Scores I'l drink 'Millers'.
Thank Fuck David Seaman was a goalie..!
________________________________
Superman Saw Wonderwoman Sunbathing on a roof.
He thought to himself 'If I'm fast enough, I can Fly over to her, and Fuck her without her even noticing..'
He quickly did so, and in a whoosh.. he was away.
"What was that?" Wonderwoman cried..
The Invisable Man replied "I don't know but My Ass is Killin Me!"
|
|
|
|
Post by pointblank on Jul 10, 2007 17:31:39 GMT
two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other,do you know how to drive this?
whats got two legs and bleeds?...........half a dog
two parrots sitting on a perch,one says to the other, can you smell fish?
pringles!if once you pop you cant stop,why the resealable lid?
|
|
