Advice on a script

[Ja]

hello every1. sorry, not been on here for absolutely ages my internet has been down for a while. anyways me and gadge have written our 1st script for a short film which we will be hoping to shoot in our summer holidays so very soon really. was just wondering if anyone fancied taking a look and giving us a bit of advice where needed on where we could freshen/ edit it up where its relevant. Anyone fancy it i'll send it you via email. would be really helpful. Cheers guys chat soon

ja

[shindig]

[e-mail]

Hoy it this way.

[oysterboyeddie]

I wouldn't mind taking a peek.

I've got a few ideas for a short film myself, so when I get a bit of backbone in me to type my ideas onto paper, then, if you don't mind, I'll send that over as well.

Good luck with the practical side, bud.

[e-mail]

[oysterboyeddie]

Honestly mate, that's bloody good that. A very moral tale with some personal touches and something that will definitely reflect lives of other people. Are you the same age as the characters in the story? Cause I think you capture the essence of teenagers, those moving away from University, very well.

Some of the dialogue is a tad implausible, but a lot of it is very snappy and made me laugh on quite a few occasions. I definitely think you should get yourself a camera, get out into the country, and make yourself this charming short.

Good luck with it chump.
By the way, what was the significance of the ribbon?

Cheers again for letting me have a peek.

[oysterboyeddie]

NB: apologies, implausable is not the right word. I meant unbelievable. For example, the use of the words 'babe' and 'tomoz' seem to be used a lot and it just sticks out a little, it just seems a bit lazy. Unless the words are being used with irony then I guess that would work.

Furthermore, the ending of the montage of the lads in Blackpool seems a bit anti-climactic. I would end with the shot of Tom beginning to put on his uniform, the camera would track out to a shot of the tree with the ribbon on it and the boys in the background, out of focus.

But that's just me.

[shindig]

I don't tend to opt for dialect unless it's absolutely necessary.

[Gareth]

yeah I'll be glad to have a look - [e-mail]

[Ja]

thanks for havin a look m8. i'll take what u said into account. i think ure right about some of the dialogue it is a bit like ( would you really say tmoz or tomorrow ..or even 'later')we are all 17 who will be playin the parts. 2 of us finishin our 2nd year of college so ages are alright. It's funny you say that about the ribbon because it was a small idea that i had which must have got lost in the script. Just to basically symobolise a state of being tied down at that moment in time to going uni when thats not really where they wanna be. The ice-cream van would drive past this 'ribbon' at the end and the ribbon would come off the tree and blow away in the wind symbolising that now they are where they want to be. no hold backs etc. cheers anyway its appreciated .

[oysterboyeddie]

Yeah, that'll be sweet when the ribbon comes off, if you can get it to do that (Y)

But yeah, looking forward to seeing it.

[shindig]

Problem is, slang, dialect or whatever isn't pleasant to read and, in some cases, can be difficult to follow.

[Ja]

yeh i see what your sayin. When we 1st started writin it it was proper written with correct 'grammer' etc because i thought it should be an actors job to interperet how the lines would be said but gadge was sayin theres not much point as we would be the ones actin it out in the end anyway . see where your comin from tho and i think the dialect needs to be taken into account as lots of different people wil be readin it